14 WAYS TO REIGNITE YOUR SEX LIFE
- Elle Nicole
- Nov 13, 2015
- 7 min read
Sex can be one of the most pleasurable, amazing and healthy experiences two (or more) people can have with one another. The list of the benefits of sex is a long one, which includes (but isn’t limited to) stress relief, improved muscle tone, reduced risk of heart disease, balanced hormones, increased level of endorphins, improved connection with your partner(s), reduced pain sensation and improved self-esteem to name a few.
New sex, that is sex during the early phase of a new relationship, can be one of the most mind blowing, explosive and orgasmic experiences one can ever have. But, like most things, when the newness wears off, what was once exciting and euphoric can become routine and even daunting.
An active, healthy sex life requires effort and the willingness to keep the intimate connection to your partner(s) strong. While the average happy couple reports having sex 2-3 times a week, sex can be almost non-existent for those partners who allow life’s sex interrupters to get in the way such as children, bills, stress, work, etc.
DISCLAIMER: Sex is NOT a numbers game.
Reality check: There is no perfect frequency of sex whether you are in a serious or casual relationship. Every relationship is different, and what may be often for some, may be seldom for others. It is far more important to understand that the quality of the sex life between partners is essential to sexual satisfaction. All parties should be mutually fulfilled and equally invested in contributing to a healthy sex life.
For those who have allowed their sex lives to fall by the wayside, there are several ways that you can revive it even in the most hopeless cases. However, it does take the desire to do so from all partners involved. In some cases, a lack of an active sex life may signal far more serious issues in which case a couple may need professional intervention.
1. A little kindness goes a long way
More than a physical experience, sex, particularly amongst committed couples, is a psychological and emotional experience as well. So, when a relationship is plagued by what Dr. John Gottman, a leading professor and researcher known for his work on marital stability, refers to as the four horseman of the apocalypse – criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling – your sex life is certainly destined to suffer, among other things. Indeed, it can be extremely difficult to open up (literally) and be sexually vulnerable enough to embrace pleasure with a person, who continually disrespects you and/or refuses to give you respect.
Furthermore, science suggests that happier couples, who spend more time together, express affection towards each other and have more positive interactions, tend to have healthier sex lives. So, as Gottman suggests, a precursor for great sex (and a better relationship) is positive sentiment override when partners engage in more positive interactions and behaviors with one another than negative. Instead of name calling and belittling, try offering support and affection to foster intimacy and connection.
2. Try something new
Established relationships have a bad habit of getting into ruts including sex ruts, where the day-to-day routine of work and kids takes precedence over the time the couple needs to grow and connect. Studies show that the novelty of trying new experiences such as learning new positions or even going for a hike at dusk can raise levels of dopamine, a key neurotransmitter associated with falling in love. Not only can new experiences shake up a mundane routine, it can revive and invigorate the love you share with your partner(s). As previously stated, happier couples have better sex lives. Sex may happen in the bedroom (sometimes), but many of the issues that lead to a dull sex life have to be addressed outside of the bedroom.
3. Get out of the sex routine
One stroke, two stroke, thrust, thrust and done does not make for an exciting sex life. To quote my mama: “Put your back into it.” Well, something like that. The truth is that many of those in established relationships do the same old two step to the point where you can predict your partner’s next move even before they get to it. This is when it’s time to get out of your comfort zone. Try learning new positions, exploring new places or even visiting a local sex shop for not only sex toys, but also any classes on new techniques you can learn to try on your partner(s).
4. Prioritize
Life gets in the way. With a schedule that’s busting at the seams, it can be hard or even exhausting to merely think about sex sometimes. I get it. You finally get home from another awful day at work, and you look at the bed as a long lost friend you want to snuggle up with rather than an oasis of sexual desire. But, just as work, kids and bills take a front seat, so should sex. While scheduling sex may sound unsexy, it may be a necessity when you look up and it has been months since the last time.
Try having a “sex date,” where you etch out time for intimacy. On the days reserved for sex, try sending sexy texts and messages to your partner throughout the day, so they have something to which to look forward. Let them know what you want and what you want to do to them, so that both (or all) of you are excited and ready to get to it at the end of the day.
5. Fantasize
Another issue with sex ruts is that we think we know everything it takes to turn our partners on. With this assumption, we lose sight of the experience of sex and begin to think of it as a sequence of steps to an orgasm. Drop the steps. Explore your sexual fantasies and allow yourselves to feel like you just met each other.
6. Prep your mind and body
Built up stress and tension can make for an abysmal sexual experience. Having sex while still thinking about that last management meeting at work or the principal’s note your child received at school can ward off orgasms and make sex seem like another chore on the to-do list. Allow your mind and body to relax checking the worries of the world at the door. Give yourself permission to release and let go by shutting off the phones, iPads, TV, laptop and any other distraction. Find a sitter and take the night off. It’s time for sex!
7. Get naked
The skin happens to be the largest sex organ covering every inch of our bodies with plenty of places to touch and explore. Getting naked encourages this exploration and finding other erogenous zones outside of the genitalia. Even more, having sex while completely clothed with only access to the reproductive organs leads couples to focus on intercourse and stimulation to just those areas as opposed to engaging the entire body.
8. Sex Play
Dr. Beverly Whipple, sex researcher and author of The G Spot and Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality, encouraged the used of the term “sex play” over “foreplay,” because foreplay indicates that it is a prelude to something more important and a race to the finish line. Sex play in and of itself is more than enough to build intimacy and connection between partners. It also gives couples the opportunity to explore each other without playing the end game of racing to an orgasm. When orgasm and even intercourse are taken out of the equation as a requirement, the pressure is removed and intimate partners can truly just enjoy the experience of being together.
9. Delay intercourse
Our culture tends to be goal driven, and this (as stated above) is no different during sex. Instead of going through the motions to get to intercourse, put off intercourse and take a detour to other sexual activities that encourage arousal, desire, intimacy and connection. Try erotic massages, cunnilingus, anilingus, fellatio, nipple stimulation, manual sex and other sexual behaviors before (or instead of) intercourse.
10. Relearn their body
People change. Preferences change. Bodies change. Take the opportunity to explore each other’s bodies asking what turns the other on. Don’t assume you know everything about your partner’s body just because you have been in a long-term relationship. Kiss, touch and explore areas you may often forget or ignore. Again, reach outside of your tried and true comfort zone. See a trend here?
11. Get out of bed
Along with finding new ways to please your partner(s) comes finding new places that inspire other positions from your normal routine. At times, having sex in the same place can also lose its appeal leading to the same old sex routine. Try other (legal) places that inspire a little added excitement.
12. New positions
Partners stuck in a sex rut often go to default setting during sex, and this includes positions. Discover new positions that provide intense arousal and access to erogenous zones. During this discovery, discuss with your partner(s) the specific regions they prefer to be stimulated, and explore different positions to reach these areas. For positions that lead to female orgasm, try these.
13. Sex Toys
There are literally sex toys for everyone that come equipped with any type of bells or whistles to fit your wildest sexual desires. Sex toys are especially useful for sexual exploration and adding a more intense sensation to erogenous zones that are difficult to stimulate such as the G-Spot. Additionally, toys can provide pleasure to both (or more) partners simultaneously. Toys such as vibrating penis rings provide added stimulation to both the scrotum and clitoris. These toys can also provide double penetration with vibration for those looking to add a little more excitement to their sex lives.
14. Porn
Unlike decades ago, the porn industry of today isn’t your daddy’s porn anymore. There are genres of porn for every single demographic, which doesn’t just include the heterosexual male POV. Porn comes in all varieties such as feminist, LGBTQIA and BDSM to mention a few. Whatever your choice, porn can not only facilitate arousal, but it can also give ideas for activities to try out with your partner(s).
The most important component of your sex life to consider and improve on is communication. Open, honest and direction communication between partners is always the first step in order to convey your wants and needs and to come to a compromise on how you can move forward towards a more active, healthy and exciting sex life.
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