WHAT SEX PLAY CAN DO FOR LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS
- Elle Nicole
- Mar 17, 2016
- 5 min read
An unfortunate downside to being in an established relationship is the decline of the desire and passion that most partners experience in the beginning. Intense, spontaneous sex can gradually become routine and banal and, sometimes, even nonexistent. Research indicates that the passionate phase only lasts roughly the first year of a relationship, and thereafter, the romance and sex can wane as the desire for our partners shifts from a passionate love to a more companionate love.
This shift is also in tandem with other, seemingly more pressing priorities, such as bills and children, taking precedence over remaining passionately connected to intimate partners. As other life duties begin to take over, passion becomes an elusive concept that some partners feel can never return to their relationship. Consequently, the sex life begins to suffer as partners place more focus on other aspects of their relationship. However, sex (or intimate contact) is a necessary and healthy component to relationships and remaining in tune with your partner’s wants and needs is vital to a healthy sex and relationship life. Just as the bills need to be paid and the children need to be fed, attention must also be paid to one another in order to maintain or revive an intimate connection.
Even worse, tight schedules and passion-draining responsibilities can lead to sex routines, where partners default to the same old tried and true sexual activities as a means to end or a race to the finish line. Sex routines often lead partners to focus mainly on intercourse for the purpose of reaching orgasm as opposed to the lived experience of pleasure with intimate partners. Partners often miss unexplored areas of their bodies and the opportunity to increase connection and intimacy, because sex is simply viewed as a part of a daily, weekly or monthly routine.
Sex play, as opposed to foreplay, provides an opportunity to break the routine and allows partners to rediscover each other on a deeper, more intimate level by not approaching intercourse or orgasm as an ultimate finish line. Instead, partners can enjoy the experience of sexual exploration since sex is a fully engaging experience of the entire body rather than simply genital contact. The term sex play, in itself, is a far more accurate term than foreplay because sex play can occur before, during and after intercourse. It is a continuous act to keep the intimacy between partners constantly in tact. This includes maintaining skin to skin contact and constantly renewing desire and sexual experiences with your partner.
Sex play can include any type of sexual contact however you define it. However, if you need some suggestions, feel free to try these for a little inspiration.
Vulva/Vaginal Massage
Before beginning, apply a water-based lubricant to the tips of your fingers or a vibrator. (Note: Avoid using silicone-based lubricants if you are using a silicone vibrator as the silicone in the lube can bond with the vibrator causing it to breakdown. And if you are planning on protected intercourse, avoid oil-based lubes, because they can cause condoms breakage as well as leave a residue on the genitals that lead to bacterial infections.)
Working your way down from the mons pubis (pubic mound), use gentle pressure and circular strokes to massage the inner and outer lips gradually moving towards the clitoral hood and the head of the clitoris taking note of the motions that best please your partner. Also note that the clitoral bulbs lie just beneath the labia and attention should be paid to this area.
If your partner needs even more stimulation, try massaging the g-spot, which is located approximately 2 inches inside the vagina on the anterior wall.
Mutual Masturbation
Not only is masturbation good for orgasm, but it also a perfect opportunity to explore and re-learn your partner’s body. Instead of focusing on orgasm, use this time to find out different ways of stimulating and arousing your partner. Allow them to re-discover their own body and enjoy the sensations rather than simply getting them from point A to B.
Manual Stimulation
A good hand job a day can keep the doctor away. Well, not really, but it can be toe-curling good time. Again, instead of focusing on stroking until your biceps hurt. Re-discover your partners body. Try stimulating areas that are full of nerve endings, but often forgotten like the perineum (the area between the scrotum and anus), the scrotum and the frenulum (the area on the underside of the penis head).
Full Body Massage
Now is the time to break out all of the aromatic massage oils (but careful not to use them on the genitals if you plan on having protected sex). There are thousands of books on sensual massage that detail the benefits of engaging the entire body into the sexual experience. Take the time to focus on the full range of erogenous zones including areas already known to be erotic as well as the areas not necessarily considered erotic such as the feet, hands, scalp, face and neck.
Anal Massage
A generous amount of water-based lube is always recommended when dealing with the anus and rectum. (Silicone and oil-based lubes are not recommended for reasons already stated.) Use fingers, butt plugs or vibrators to stimulate the area. Keep in mind that your partner should be fully relaxed if you want to insert the fingers or a butt plug. Circular motions with lube around the anus can aid in relaxation. If you are interested in continuing the experience with intercourse, here is a full tutorial on anal sex.
Rimming
A tongue in the ass can be one of the most sexually exciting and amazingly pleasurable experiences one can have. However, a word of caution is in order. Make sure you begin with a clean workspace by using an enema or anal douche. Additionally, rimming is not an activity to practice on multiple casual partners since it does increase the risk of contracting hepatitis and intestinal parasites.
Kissing
Many established partners forget the erotic, passionate experience of kissing. The lips are actually incredibly sensitive to touch, and the act of kissing releases oxytocin, a hormone found to influence the feelings of connection, commitment and attachment to another. This explains why a kiss on the lips can sometimes mean more than kissing the genitals.
Being Naked
Most humans crave the touch of their intimate partners. Naked skin-to-skin contact heightens arousal and provides access to every inch of skin. While clothed sex can be great, naked sex is often far better. Having sex while naked exposes more areas than just the genitals, which makes it more likely that more than just intercourse will occur. Some feel more vulnerable when naked, but this can be a good thing as vulnerability is a part of being in love.
Explore the Overlooked
Stimulation to areas often forgotten – the nape of the neck, small of the back, back of the knees, collar bone, toes and belly buttons – can be a new, exciting experience for established partners. These areas are filled with nerve endings and can be quite sensitive to touch. Discover them and find out what your partner enjoys.
Kink
For those who do not know, kink requires a great deal of trust and communication between partners, which can help build intimacy particularly for relationships where partners have grown apart. Kink also provides a safe environment to act out fantasies. Partners can indulge in the ecstasy that is experienced when completely surrendering oneself, both physically and psychologically, in the safety of a consensual experience. To learn more about kink, check out www.fetlife.com.
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