WHAT MINDFULNESS CAN DO FOR YOUR SEX LIFE

Sex can surely be an exhilarating, amazing, tantalizing and even an entrancing experience that can make your heart throb, blood race and detach you from a sense of reality even if it is just for a few moments. Unfortunately, more often than not, sex is an experience that is plagued with politics, insecurities, intrusive thoughts, pressing responsibilities and a host of other sex-sabotaging fears and realities. Seriously. How many times have you run over the grocery shopping list or mentally berated yourself for not losing the 20 pounds you promised yourself at New Year’s while in the midst of sex?

And these thoughts that our minds often drift off to while we’re mid-passion are just the surface level baggage we bring into the bedroom. This doesn’t include the body and pleasure politics that navigate our sexuality, which lead people to believe that one needs to look, smell and taste as specific way in order to be desirable. Then, of course, there is the societal standard that places male pleasure above that of female. Add all of this together and it makes sense why up to 15 percent of women experience lifetime anorgasmia (absence of orgasm) and 45 percent experience it as some point in life. Anorgasmia also affects men, although it is not nearly documented as much with men, which, undoubtedly, has something to do with men’s reluctance to report it (for a number of reasons that can be entire book in and of itself). Regardless of the exact numbers, some research indicates that men who experience anorgasmia do so due to psychological reasons. No big surprise here.

This is where mindfulness can help. And while mindfulness has become a buzz word turned latest fad, it actually addresses many of the issues we face in and outside of the bedroom.

SO WHAT IS MINDFULNESS ANYWAY?

Mindfulness is literally turning off the autopilot thoughts, fears, worries and concerns that consume our minds. It means to bring ourselves to the present and to be aware of the experience of the present. So, instead of thinking about what happened earlier or what you will (or should) be doing later, mindfulness brings the mind to the very moment in time that you are experiencing. Past worries and future concerns can’t invade your mind when you’re focused on what’s in front of you. Imagine the power that can be unleashed during intimate moments when you let go of unnecessary baggage, thoughts and preconceived notions.

Mindfulness allows you to forget about your pronounced pooch you try to suck in or the sex tips you memorized from Cosmo or the data report that’s over a week late, so you can really feel and indulge in the sensations between you and your partner. Bedroom politics is too often consumed with self evaluations and porn-like, climatic expectations. We are often so focused on the race to the finish line in efforts to “achieve” orgasm that the here and now moments and experience escape us. Mindfulness allows you to enjoy the entire experience without expectations of the orgasm to come.

Being present, focusing on the here and now and paying attention may sound easy enough, but our brains are actually more or less programmed to run on autopilot. The state of autopilot allows the mind to wonder while not actually being focused on what you’re doing in the moment. This is how you drive to work, brush your teeth in the morning and wash the dishes without actually remembering doing these things. How many times have you driven to work and can’t remember actually driving there? That’s because most humans spend their time mentally checked out in autopilot allowing their minds to wander off. One study found that humans actually spend 46.9 percent of the time in autopilot. That’s nearly half of every waking hour that we spend on random thoughts instead of living and experiencing in the present.

Moreover, research reveals that there is an inverse relationship between being mindful and being in autopilot. This means that when the mind is wandering off you are less able to experience lived sensations such as sight, touch, smell, taste and hearing, because the mind is preoccupied with visualizing random thoughts. Think about the implications of this process taking place during intimacy. If the mind is preoccupied with thoughts of what you plan on having for dinner later on or how big your thighs look in unflattering light, then the opportunity to actually engage and enjoy the experience of sex is lost.

WHAT CAN MINDFULNESS DO FOR YOUR SEX LIFE?

Conversely, when the mind is focused on the moment at hand and taking in the information received through the five senses, there is less opportunity for the mind to drift off. And when the mind is not busy obsessing over the past, body image issues, sexual expectations and future obligations, it has the capacity to receive more sensory information in the present and record more accurate perceptions. It’s like sex in 4K Ultra HD free from interruptions, static and blurriness.

Imagine the intensity of a sensual caress of every inch of your skin as drops of sweat slowly make their way down your back. You smell the intoxicating scent of your partner and feel the rhythmic beat of their heart as your entwined bodies move steadily toward ecstasy. Your taste buds are ignited by the sweet, salty taste of your partner’s skin. You look deeply into your partner’s eyes and feel the intimate connection as your souls unite and transcend to higher levels of consciousness.

HOW TO PRACTICE MINDFULNESS

Focus on your breath

Center your mind on the rhythmic sound of your breath as your rib cage expands and contracts. Focusing on your breath helps to bring the mind to the present so you are less distracted and interrupted by random thoughts and obsessions.

Minimize Distractions

Do away with unnecessary distractions such as television, cell phones, kids, grandma and anyone or thing else that can interfere with the moment at hand. As you focus on your breath, allow any thoughts or senseless worries about your body or performance to fade away. Stay in the present. Resist the temptation to judge how you are doing or what your partner is thinking. Simply enjoy the sensations.

Forget the script

This means let go of expectations and the sexual map you have in your head about what you should do and how it should be done. Go with the flow. Let go of performance anxiety and the obsession over the desire to reach orgasm as if it’s a race to the finish line.

Be vulnerable

This is probably the hardest thing for people to do since vulnerability exposes you to hurt and pain. And because of this, we naturally protect and guard ourselves. However, in order to really accept pleasure, we must be vulnerable to the intensity of this pleasure. Allow yourself to receive the gift of pleasure by opening yourself up to the process.