THE 10: WHEN IT'S TIME TO LET GO
- Elle Nicole
- Oct 3, 2014
- 6 min read
Ending a relationship can seem like the most gut-wrenching experience one can ever go through. And even worse, the emotional nightmare can often seem like it will never end. The sleepless nights, obsessive thoughts about what he or she is doing (or who), the feeling that no one can ever replace them and the insurmountable fear that you have to get out there and try this dating thing again can easily send someone over the edge.
Rightfully so, researcher Helen Fisher found that the experience of love rejection occurs in two stages - protest and despair. During the protest stage, the neurotransmitters and hormones responsible for frustration, stress and rage are extremely high as we experience intense panic, restlessness and nostalgia over this lost love. Afterwards, this rage slips into despair as the broken hearted come to the realization that the relationship is truly over. This second stage can even result in depression as the brain's levels of dopamine, the happiness chemical, steadily decreases.
These thoughts and chemical reactions can even prevent many of us from actually moving on and forward as the journey to the other side of Mount Breakup can seem too daunting. But, the truth is that some relationships are better off nonexistent. In celebration of better horizons and a brighter future without him or her, here are 10 signs that it is time to let go.
When It's Time to Let Go
The silence is deafening. Communication is the key to any relationship whether intimate, platonic or business. Therefore, it's a major red flag when the communication in a relationship ceases. Without communication, no progress to fix any unresolved issues can ever be made. So, if you find that you and your mate avoid each other, ignore one another and/or rarely even speak, then it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. Sometimes a healthy argument can be far better for a relationship then total silence since non-communication can indicate that neither side is willing to compromise.
Unrelenting jealousy. Contrary to popular belief (especially among younger couples) being jealous is not cute nor is it a sign that he/she really loves you. In fact, jealousy can often be a precursor to abuse as it can be a form of manipulation used by a partner to keep their mate under control. We all feel jealous at times, and that is normal. However, a relationship that is overtaken by jealousy can be toxic. Besides, in true intimacy and connection, you should feel secure that the one you are with is really with you. Jealousy is also an indication of insecurity, which more often has to do with the jealous individual rather than the couple.
Non-stop cheating. This one is a biggie as it plagues many relationships. It has been reported that 70 percent of men admitted to cheating in their lifetime as well as 50 percent of women. Couples often wonder what to do after an infidelity since cheating is not necessarily the end of the world. The major distinction here is the reason for and frequency of the cheating. Since men are less verbal and process emotion far slower than women, they often resort to destructive behaviors such as cheating when they are dissatisfied with a relationship. Cheating is never the answer, but it can highlight bigger issues that need to be addressed. However, cheating once due to a lacking in the relationship is completely different from habitual cheating. In relationships where one or more partners constantly cheat, there is a clear lack of respect and trust. In today's increasingly expansive relationship styles, which can include polyamory (multiple partners), there is absolutely no excuse for distrustful behavior. Couples have the option to open their relationships if they so choose, which makes cheating even more unnecessary and hurtful as it is an ultimate betrayal of trust.
Refusal to yield. In other words, there is a lack of compromise. Relationships require compromise. Face it: No one partner will ever get their way 100 percent of the time. Partners have to be willing to yield to one another in order to find a common ground or else a near stand off can result with one person on one end of the issue and the other partner at the other end. If you find that your relationship is in a constant state of stand off and no compromise can be reached (especially about serious issues), then it may be time to reconsider the situation and decide whether or not the relationship is best for you.
Discouraging words. There is a fine line between constructive and destructive criticism. The line from constructive to destructive should never be crossed in a relationship. Degrading comments, put downs and insults are all signs of verbal abuse, which is unaccepatable. Verbal abuse is also often a precursor to physical abuse, and any type of abuse is NEVER ok. Beware of those who attempt to control you with offensive words. No relationship is worth being constantly belittled and degraded. Intimate partnerships should uplift and inspire not down grade and disrespect.
More stormy days than sunny. If you have ever heard of New Edition's "Can You Stand the Rain?," then you understand the reference. Of course every relationship will have its bad moments, but these should not out number the good ones. No relationship should be one tumultuous argument or fight after another. It may be time to get to the bottom of what is causing the constant discord. Some find that their core belief system, or those essential values we know to be true, is just too different from that of their partner. In these cases, a resolution or compromise may not be a possibility. Therefore, it could be time to move in separate directions.
"You complete me. " There is possibly no bigger and brighter red flag of which to be cautious. Anyone who seeks out relationships to make them into a whole person or validate their existence is bound to be an unhealthy partner leading to a toxic, drama-filled relationship. Those who cannot live without being in some sort of relationship with another are most likely in search of someone (or something) to fill a void in which case therapy may be in order. Move on from relationships with those who drain you and completely rely on you to make them into complete beings.
Lop-sided love. Love is a two (or more) person game, where all interested parties should receive affection, attention and care. In a perfect world, this love would be distributed equally. However, there are times when love is unfair and unequal. Yet, this does not mean that one partner should always receive the benefits of the relationship all the time. In other words, partners need to have a level of selflessness so that both (or all) parties involved feel loved and respected. When one partner is selfish and demands the complete energy and time of the other with no reciprocity, then it may be time to reconsider participation in the relationship. No one should feel that they give everything and receive nothing in return.
No trust zone. Much like communication, trust is an essential ingredient to a healthy, functioning relationship. Without trust, there is simply no solid foundation on which to build much of anything. Deception and betrayal are unacceptable and should never be accepted as "normal" aspects of a partnership. If you can't trust them, then don't date them plain and simple.
ABUSE. Any type of abuse, whether it be physical, emotional, verbal, financial, technological or sexual, is absolutely, unequivocally UNACCEPTABLE. The cycle of domestice violence includes a process of continual violent and calm periods. During the violent phase, abusers often blame their victims for their behavior leaving the abused feeling vulnerable and ashamed. The calm phase is often marked with repeated apologies and a promise to never repeat the abuse, which almost never happens. This cycle is a vicious one that continually destroys the self-worth and esteem of the abused. Victims often fear leaving due to threats made by the abuser or lack of financial stability. However, if you find yourself in a relationship that involves any type of abuse, there is help. You can get out. Visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline at www.thehotline.org if you feel you need help in an abusive relationship.
The Good News
Believe it or not, breaking up does not last forever. In fact, research indicates that the neurological processes that take place in the brain usually subside within a year. And while a year may seem long, it is not forever. Before you know it, you will look back at this tumultuous time and question why you were so into him or her in the first place.
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