THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VACATIONING IN YOUR 20s AND 30s

As I mosey along through my thirties with three kids in tow, I’m noticing some major differences between life now and life a few carefree years ago in my twenties. Whereas maybe 10 years ago grocery shopping mainly consisted of purchasing a few individual Lean Cuisines, now it’s an entire twice-a-month, day-long event with three screaming kids, two shopping carts and massive-sized, bulk items large enough to feed three boys for two straight weeks before having to go through this nightmare all over again. I literally have to mentally prepare for grocery shopping, and this preparation refers to the yoga exercises and Buddhist chants I must recite in order to calm myself before enduring the eight hours of cart pushing and child wrangling.

Considering the responsibility that comes with life in your thirties, it naturally leads you to think about the concept of a vacation. I probably say or think, “I need a vacation” more often than I scream, “Sit down!” to my kids. Just as bills, kids and work have fundamentally changed my way of life, so have they also changed my idea of taking time off.

Drum roll please …

Twenties

1. A vacation (and I use that term loosely) typically includes 400 straight hours of partying to the point where you will need a vacation from your vacation (or possibly rehab). Who cares about hotel amenities when you rarely even see the light of day? I could’ve stayed in a crack house during vacation in my twenties and wouldn’t have noticed since the only time I spent there was during periods of unconsciousness. The usual routine goes a little something like this: Wake up at dusk; spend three hours prepping hair, makeup and wardrobe; party until the next morning like you don’t care you will never have a job after these pictures end up of Facebook; take the walk of (no) shame; pass out still in the clothes you wore all night; wake up sometime the next evening only to start the process all over again.

2. “Vacation” usually refers to events where you can try your chances at landing a ball player, rapper or celebrity like the Super Bowl, NBA All-Star Weekend, MTV spring break, the BET/MTV Awards, the Grammy’s or SXSW.

3. I hear the faint sound of Kendrick Lamar’s “Swimming Pools” when I reflect on vacation in my twenties. No proper twenty-something vacation is complete without an alcohol-fueled night spent facedown in your own puke grasping at the porcelain god for dear life. There’s nothing like the excruciating ache of a throbbing ribcage after hours of dry heaving and the ever so tedious task of picking chunks of food out of your hair. Who doesn’t have fond memories of crawling (or being dragged) back to their hotel after having lost your hotel keys, half of your money and the heel of a shoe along with all sense of respect and dignity?

4. I’m not even sure why people in their twenties even bother bringing clothes on vacation. Save yourself the $50 bag fee and just skip it all together, because, quite frankly, pasties and a G-string simply do not count as clothing. Years ago, when I finally decided to let go of my club clothes from yesteryear, I was shocked that all of the cheap polyester held together by even cheaper pieces of glittery string even managed to hold up this curvy body of mine. No wonder young Hollywood suffers from one wardrobe malfunction after the next.

5. There’s nothing like being single, young with all body parts still in their original position and on vacation. Hookup culture meets its breeding ground. So much hooking up goes on that there’s a universal rule to keep it from coming back to haunt you: What happens here, stays here. That is until the inevitable doctor’s office visit and the seven days of antibiotics.

Thirties

1. Your thirties are a little different, because, by the time you have accrued enough vacation days on your job and saved up enough money to take one, you actually want a real damn vacation. And I mean VACATION with no phones, worries, bills, bullshit parties/clubs and people you don’t want to be bothered by, which may indeed include your own kids. A vacation is a time to relax and forget about the endless amount of responsibilities waiting back at home. Seriously. The beach, a good book (or Kindle) and a cocktail are all you need. If you never leave the hotel room, that’s ok too.

2. Another milestone of your thirties is the annual family vacation. This is something like a vacation in your twenties, but instead of binge drinking, partying and fucking everything moving, you have endless trips to the bathroom, a cooler full snacks, diaper rash, 45 SPF sunscreen, temper tantrums, countless hours standing in line at some theme park and people dressed in furry costumes as Disney characters. In both instances, you’re dead tired at the end of the “vacation” and need a truckload of ibuprofen to end the massive headache you suffered from enduring a weeklong experiment called “let’s see how far on the edge I can push myself.”

3. The company you keep is another major difference. In your twenties, you and your 20 closest associates embark on the trashiest vacation possible, so that everyone has wild stories to tell their grandchildren one day. By the time you reach your thirties, those “friends” are long gone thanks to fall outs over everything from old boyfriends to that $100 someone didn’t pay back. So, when you do go on vacation in your thirties, it’s typically with real friends who actually have your best interest at heart.