MONEY MATTERS: HOW TO HANDLE FTFMS (FRIEND TO FRIEND MONETARY SITUATIONS)

Everyone has been there. You’re enjoying a lovely evening at dinner with longtime friends that you lost contact with years ago to the daily shuffle of life. The wine flows and the bevy of appetizers, entrees and desserts that litter table have morphed into a potluck of sorts. Hours quietly tick by and you’re just happy to have genuine conversation with old friends without having to worry about carefully chosen words in our ever-increasingly PC culture. The calm washes over you as you sit back and reflect on the wonderful evening.

Then, the night comes to a screeching halt as everyone notices the looming darkness of the waiter’s shadow as he approaches the candlelit table. Each footstep seems to take an eternity as his soft-soled rubber shoes peel from the marble floors. And as he reaches the table, he pulls from his apron the dreaded black, faux-leather check case and symbolically drops it on the table with a smirk. He knows, as well as you and your friends, that with the six guests sitting at the table, he is guaranteed his well-earned 20 percent tip.

For a moment, you can hear the faint sound of that old western theme song aptly titled “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly” playing in the background. With your eyes squint, each of you suspiciously gage the next move of the other as your closest, old college bestie ceremoniously begins the battle with a flip of the check holder. In an instant, each of the six members of your dinner party rips their smartphones from their pockets and purses and feverishly begins to add up their portion of the dinner to include food, drinks, tax and gratuity down to the penny.

Sweat beads form at your temples as you carefully consider other, more important responsibilities like rent, car payment and daycare. You begin to regret your life choices as you survey the table of doctors and lawyers, who can afford this five star restaurant you didn’t really want to go to anyway. Your brow furrows as you realize you ordered way more than expected, and you simultaneously become disgusted at your career as an account coordinator. You think to yourself, “What the hell does a account coordinator do anyway? I should have gone to law school. Then, I wouldn’t have to sit here and be degraded this way. They have more money than me. They should pay for this shit!”

After carefully tallying and calculating their portion of the bill, everyone happily slams their money down on the table confident that everything went off without a hitch. That is until a colleague, who wasn’t even invited to this dinner, takes it upon herself to ensure the balance is satisfied by doing a final count. She discovers that the bill has come up short. At this point, nothing could be worse than giving up one more cent to this already overpriced dinner that you are beginning to regret. The rent is due, and it is not an option to risk homelessness for filet mignon.

As you continue to hold out, an old friend of yesteryear, who is conveniently of a different, higher tax bracket, grimaces as she finally adds the remaining needed funds. A hostile silence looms over the table as everyone gathers their belongings upon the night’s end. You can feel the side eye coming at the back of your head as you reach the exit, because everyone knows you ordered the extra appetizers and side dishes. As you resolve to never speak to these bitches again, you stomp off regretting you even agreed to this dinner in the first place.

CERTAIN CONSIDERATIONS

While every situation involving money and friendship may not be as anxiety provoking as the one described above, the intersection of the two can often lead to broken friendships, unnecessary feuds and built-up resentment. So, before you embark on yet another outing with the friend who always “forgets” their wallet, or the friend who looks the other way when the check comes, consider the following.

• Speak up

If the reality is that you can’t afford to do the things some of your friends can do, understand that you are not obligated. Vocalize your concerns, and be honest with not only your friends, but also yourself. It’s no fun being the financial burden of the group and being labeled “the broke friend.” Suggest activities that you can afford, and if your friends don’t agree, then feel free to turn down the outing. Conversely, if you are the friend, who always finds yourself paying everyone else’s way, then voice your concerns as well. Don’t feel obligated to pay just because your friends are short on cash. It isn’t your fault that you make or have more money, and it isn’t your responsibility to financially support your friends all the time.

• Money changes things

The exchange of money between two adults has the potential to change the dynamics of the relationship. A friendship that was once on equal footing can easily become unequal when money comes into the mix. The paying friend will begin to look at the receiving friend as a burden, and they may begin to feel like they are being exploited. Meanwhile, the receiving friend can often feel like they “owe” something to the paying friend. A friendship should be one of equal standing and not a pseudo-parent-child relationship. It is difficult to come to a place of mutual respect when these dynamics are going on in the background.

• Have realistic expectations

One of the hardest things about being an adult is that you become financially responsible for yourself. This should be kept in mind when interacting with a friend you assume is in a better financial situation than you. While someone may appear to be fiscally stable on the surface and even offer to pay your way, you have no idea what other financial burdens this person could have such as alimony, child support, ailing relatives, children, car notes, mortgages and so on. It is not their responsibility to financially carry the friendship even if they make more money than you. Don’t expect a monetary pay out from friends no matter their financial status.

• Generosity comes in more forms than one

Being a good friend does not mean being taken for a financial ride. If your friends aren’t as financially fortunate as you, it doesn’t mean that you are obligated to offer to pay their way. Success should not equal guilt. Even more, you create a dependent relationship with your friends when financial assistance from you becomes expected. This naturally leads to resentment, as you will begin to feel used and exploited. There are many ways in which you can offer your friends love and support without having to feel like an ATM.

• Stand on your own two feet

The simplest way to avoid these dramatic scenes with friends is to keep money matters separate. Literally. If everyone pays his or her own way, animosity is less likely to build up and take over. This doesn’t mean that friends can’t engage in monetary transactions; but it does mean that money exchanges shouldn’t develop into an unhealthy pattern, where one friend is always paying the way of another.